Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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