She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
