I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
