I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
