I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
