Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
