please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
