I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
