i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
