how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
