I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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