He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
