Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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