so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
