fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
