i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
please don't ironically join a cult
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