At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
