who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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