The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
