Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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