you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
