just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
