Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
