I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
