I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.