6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
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Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"