is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pooping to opera.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
