I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
