I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
