drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
