conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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