I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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