Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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