Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
