My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need help removing her.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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