I met the friendliest cop last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
home. puking in laundry basket.
either way he was missing a nipple.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
