Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
