I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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