One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
