K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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