Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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