The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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