So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
