does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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