Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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