this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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