I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
