I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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