Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize