I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
