I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
