I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize