you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
