I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
