If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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