Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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