Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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